I came to anger...and I could not deny it any longer.
This is the rite of passage.
It had become damaging...and stalled-out...to deny my own path.
It is a depth I needed to go to.
And yet...in that knowing...I wrestled and struggled with stepping into this space - walking into anger. It sat ill with me, a wrong fit, although I couldn't take it off.
Am I an authentic, transparent, growing person if I don't allow the journey to unfold as it will?
If I reject my story?
If I deny my truth?
I felt a nudge in my spirit....What is your question? What do you fear?
I answered...truthful and uncomfortable...I've come to anger. And it's real and raw and necessary. But I am afraid....afraid because I can't side-step it any longer, but afraid that if I step into it - You won't be able to find me.
And the response was grace, and it was the One I know....
How could I lose you when I'm going there with you? I will walk with you, just don't let go of my hand.
And when I think I can't know His character, or His good ways any deeper than I already do...when I feel as if I am good, and clear, and strong on who I walk with...He comes into my darkness and blasts light even into this.
Because to be caught in the rhythms of grace means that He flows and moves with us. And where can we go that He is not there?
I forget that grace means favour unmerited, unearned. I forget that He doesn't just offer love, but He IS love.
My human walk is not predictable, tidy or easy. I run the entire gamut of emotions, and feelings, and I still want to edit the ugly, scary and uncomfortable ones out. But I can only run so long, deny so long, put up a front so long...and then I am soul weary, spent, and empty...and I am anxious to admit that the real me is anything but perfect.
And so many would, could, and do...turn away, check out and sprint in the opposite direction when the 'not perfect' comes out. Things get tough, messy, hard...and the buzzer rings: GAME OVER.
But I'm caught in the rhythms of grace - favour unearned.
And these rhythms play out through the entire song of my life - and it's not a one-dimensional, elementary plunking out of Chopsticks. It's a multi-layered, complicated masterpiece, and the rhythms of grace flow in and through the complex, the tricky, the complicated.
And the Composer - the giver of grace - He performs masterfully - ALWAYS.
I'm never too complicated of a piece for Him. My layers are not too tricky. He does not tire of the work it takes to love me and walk with me.
So I came to anger.
And I faced it, and stepped into it.
And it's hard.
And I'm not alone, or lost, or forgotten.